How to avoid political heartburn this Thanksgiving
Originally published in the Cincinnati Enquirer
Nov. 23, 2016 (slightly updated with recent events)
There may be more than turkey, gravy and stuffing being passed around the table this Thanksgiving. There could also be family-sized servings of acrimony, anger and antagonism.
November usually begins with Election Day dissonance and ends with Thanksgiving harmony. This year may be different. Unless families have a plan to address disparate political views, the post-dinner TV football game won’t be the only display of unnecessary roughness.
It’s long been noted that we can pick our friends but not our family. And most of us understand that relatives often hold differing political views. But the rancor of recent elections could set the table for a meal that leaves no one feeling very thankful. Yet calm and civil discourse is possible, if all involved are willing to observe some conversational table manners.
First comes understanding different perspectives. With our country about evenly divided between Donkeys and Elephants, remember that American politics is essentially a two-sided coin. Some years, the coin lands heads up for Democrats and face down for Republicans. One side is elated and foresees a bright future. The other is dejected and predicts national ruin.
Other years, Republicans win the toss. Then, they’re gleeful and certain of rosy days ahead while Democrats are sadder than a hungry vegetarian staring at a refrigerator with only turkey leftovers.
If history is any judge, neither party is ever fully vindicated.
Appreciating that perspective can help abate the arrogance of the winners and assuage the anger of the losers. Every kid who’s ever sat on a playground teeter totter knows that the exhilarating view from the up side is tempered by the knowledge that the down position will soon arrive with a jolt.
Next, if you do decide to engage in political arm-wrestling alongside the cranberry sauce, try to avoid the more egregious mistakes people make in political discussions. The worst of these is the ad hominem attack — personally criticizing someone instead of addressing his or her point.
If your aunt says to you, “Millard Fillmore was the greatest president of the 19th century,” and you reply “only an idiot would think that,” you’ve made an ad hominem attack and fallen short of how responsible adults should discuss current affairs. A better retort might involve pointing out that Fillmore and Abraham Lincoln served in the same century and Lincoln was the one who kept our nation united during the Civil War.
Among the most overused ad hominem attacks are the one-size-fits-all labels like racist, sexist, and hater. These are personal slurs that lack a universally agreed-upon definition. Casually and frequently using such epithets suggests your position lacks substance. Criticize arguments, not people.
Another common underhanded discussion technique is the straw man argument. This occurs when your verbal adversary summarizes your own view for you, conveniently stripping out the nuance and logic of your stance.
Perhaps your cousin announces that you support giving free handguns to toddlers. You wonder how your support for the Second Amendment could be construed that way, but wonder no more: Your cousin helpfully created a political straw man position for you, one that he can easily knock down. Simply smile and say, “If you don’t mind, I can describe my own opinion, and here’s what it is.”
Finally, leave the offensive fouls to the football players. Saying “I’m offended” or “that’s offensive” when you really mean “I disagree” is wrongheaded and doesn’t advance your argument. Anyone can claim to be offended about anything. What if the person you’re arguing with is offended that you’re offended? You’ll both be dizzy in a roundabout of offensiveness.
Unlike Facebook or Twitter, where relatives who annoy you with their political views can be quieted with a click, bringing serenity to the Thanksgiving table requires more effort. Quoting Founding Father Thomas Jefferson might help. Attempting to resolve a quarrel with a friend, Jefferson wrote: “I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.” While that sentiment was meant to heal a friendship, it can help repair a rift in the family, as well.
If all else fails, think about this. Imagine, as the dishes are cleared away, your uncle announces to the family that he’s recently been diagnosed with a terminal disease and has only a few months left to live. Wouldn’t you set aside your objection to whichever candidate he supported and immediately embrace and comfort him? If not, a stern rebuke to that person in the mirror is in order.
Thanksgiving is a time for reflection, appreciation and graciousness. If you get lucky and pull the larger piece of the wishbone, make a wish that this special day will be a time when we all remember what — and who — is really important in our lives.
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Mark R. Weaver is a Columbus attorney and crisis communications consultant. Twitter: @MarkRWeaver. He’s the author of the acclaimed book “A Wordsmith’s Work.”
